I’ve had an overwhelming two weeks. Part of it is a schedule that is too busy. Moved from the ghost house to the new house. A dear friend from another hemisphere visited OKC for 5 days (and I had a blast hanging out with her). My home office moved from one location to another. The ghost house (all 3,000 sq ft of it) had to be cleaned and repaired in preparation for the arrival of the renters. I caught a cold.
In the middle of all that I had several setbacks related to the other thing. You know…the thing that completely rearranged my life and all the cells in my body (no? well…that’s how it feels…). I hope that one day I will look back on these archives and pat my sweet little melodramatic head. I hope that life moves on with such force that today, May 19, at 10pm on my front porch with a glass of wine and a box of tissues, looks like a tiny little blip. I really hope it does.
It absolutely doesn’t feel like anything right now but sadness and loss.
I don’t care that I got to go out to a quadruple birthday party last night in my cute new dress and one of the birthday girls repeatedly called me pretty.
I don’t care that a guy called me pretty, too.
I don’t care that the ghost house is super clean and nearly finished for my med students to move in this weekend.
I don’t care that my new office is swanky and kick-ass. I don’t care that it’s going to be cool as hell to work around dozens of creatives in the food industry every day including a large, fully operational catering company packed with event planners, chefs and visionaries.
I don’t care that this new (old) house feels more like home in 3 weeks than the old house did in 3 months.
What I do care about is that when I saw him sitting several rows ahead of me next to his mom and step dad today there was a natural space to his left that was only big enough for one person.
It was empty.
Tonight, alone in the dark, it feels like I’ll never get over this.
I’ve been reading your blog since I heard you broke up with your boyfriend. Curiosity I suppose. I wish I had a better reason. Maybe it’s that I have gone through the exact same thing you went through. It’s not you, it’s him. He is a scared man, that is all. I feel so bad for you, and I want you to be able to stop crying and be happy. You seem like a very beautiful woman. I know you are a very beautiful woman.
Jt
Thank you for the kind words. I have been suffering writer’s block on top of everything else (which is why there’s not much updating on this topic), but I do think things are getting better. I was just telling a friend last night that I’ve been in a 3 week spiral but as of two days ago I think I’m in grief remission. For now. 🙂 There’s no way to really tell because grief is a conniving asshole. And at this point, about him less and less everyday. It’s about how I choose to go forward. To grow forward. 🙂
I’ve been thinking of you often since I started reading your blog, and wondering how you’re doing. I remember in the the weeks after my break up, when I would see him around town, it would crush me. I couldn’t sleep at night. I would avoid the neighborhood he lived in because I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep from looking for his car.
But, here I am, a few years later. I am doing so well. I look better, feel better. I have a new boyfriend. We are so happy. And I look back at the old relationship and can’t remember exactly what it was that kept me up so many nights.
I want this for you!
jt
Thank you. <3