A year ago something I thought was really terrible happened and I thought I would die.
I sort of did die.
There was this bizarre two week purgatory where I was nowhere. When I discovered I had lived, I started living. Then I lived some more.
I looked for a quote this afternoon that might be appropriate for Vaguebooking. For acknowledging this important date. I found one I loved, but it seemed to be too easy misconstrue and what point is Vaguebooking if you have to add a disclaimer?
“When love awakens in your life, in the night of your heart, it is like the dawn breaking within you. Where before there was anonymity, now there is intimacy; where before there was fear, now there is courage; where before in your life there was awkwardness, now there is a rhythm of grace and gracefulness; where before you used to be jagged, now you are elegant and in rhythm with your self. When love awakens in your life, it is like a rebirth, a new beginning.”
― John O’Donohue
This seemed to perfectly describe what happened to my heart this past year. It has zero to do with anyone I’ve dated or am dating (which is why the quote wasn’t suitable) and everything to do with my true self. It’s been a magnificent year of hurt and healing. In the rearview mirror, I’m a little proud of how deeply I was devastated, because I am proud of how deeply in love I was. I don’t know that I’d had that before. Even more spectacular was how hard I dug in to recovery from that shatteredness. Is that a word? It is now.
I learned to not only be alone, but enjoy alone. Thrive alone. Travel solo and dine solo and sleep across the whole damn bed littered with too many pillows like a total chick. Solo. Decadently dream all my own dreams with polite considerations for no one.
Several people held me close for those first few months. I wasn’t ok. I wasn’t ok by a whole long shot but their love kept me safe until I could take over and once I took over, that was some shit. That was the best shit.
Since then I’ve held people close for their first few months. I have become nearly addicted to throwing out that lifeline to the broken heart dying in the dark. We are all in this life together.
I don’t know much where I’m going with this. I just knew that the date had to be acknowledged. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, more secure as Sheri than I’ve ever been, I’m ridiculously smitten with myself and the life I’m living and so totally grateful that I died last year. What was born from that wreckage was my best version.